Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 29

While my eldest daughter Sangeeta was in Indore Dental College, younger one, Sangya, in Bilaspur (B.Sc.Microbiology) and the youngest, Kuntal was studying in B.Tech. (Electricals and Electronics) at Trichy.  Sangya, having finished B.Sc. was preparing for State Civil Services.  Those were extremely trying days as our finances had dipped to the lowest level.  Kuntal's college campus was very spacious spread over a large area.  He had to move from hostel to various departments on foot as we could not afford to buy a cycle for him.  Our all the three children had to undergo a lot of inconvenience during their education, yet they never complained.

When Sangeeta was in the final year of B.D.S. we became worried about her marriage as she had crossed 25.  When she was in Bilaspur during some vacation we discussed the matter with her and she readily agreed with a condition, ‘He must be without any addiction neither cigarette nor wine.’

Where on earth one could find such an innocent one in modern period!  I, in a lighter view, coaxed her, "What is the use of such an education when a girl can't find herself a husband!”
"All my male colleagues are addicted to these, I know."
"Where on earth should we find a puritan?"
"That is none of my headaches, it's yours."
"Strange, we must educate you and also find a husband for you!" I said, she smiled in response.

It is a challenge to run a family.  The man is not able to manage himself despite he is loaded with the responsibility of caring his family members too.  The head person is required to take multiple roles to fulfill his responsibilities. The problem with family members while fulfilling his responsibilities is dualistic. If he praises someone the other rides on cloud nine whereas if he condemns, the others’ head boils out of anger.

There are several impediments in trying to reconcile different attitudes, views, and expectations. There are few who can say his / her point without any ambiguity while others fail to present their grievances.  A few are outspoken while others timid and hesitant.  This is what happens in the family network of communication. It is in each family.

We are three brothers. The age difference between each other is around ten years. Children of the same sire, born in the same womb, brought up in the similar atmosphere while we share a few traits in common we differ considerably in varied matters, especially 'mindsets'. Nature, very generously provides similar organs but makes them different by a change of faces, colors, physique and temperaments. Though alike they are never the same, each has a unique identity. Think for a while, had it not been so, what a chaos it would have made in the society?

Elders are able to control as long as fellow members oblige him. They are obeyed till the obeying person wants to win their goodwill. If one continues to obey parents even after having one's wishes fulfilled, such parents should consider themselves extremely fortunate. This could be a reward of good deeds in their previous births. Today’s adult would not hesitate in asking, ‘Did I submit an application for begetting me?’

'Money makes mare go' is a crucial fact of family management. If there is an abundance of all kinds solutions to problems are easy. The currency can cover the whole globe in one step.  Its impact is widespread and lasting. However, if there is some kind of financial crisis even wizards turn into idiots.

Our assets were our liabilities. This alone was life and the fountain of all our actions. In fact, I was fighting a battle with myself. What I was unable to achieve, those lines of disparity, I wanted to erase them from the hands of my children. We saw that they had potentials for achieving. Hence we kept encouraging them. You know, colors have to lose their self, in enlivening a painting.
    
A daughter's beauty and her father's bank balance determine her fate in the matrimonial market. If she is beautiful, implying fair complexioned, people take notice of such girls and seek her hands irrespective of dowry. But, all girls are not fair complexioned, a few are wheatish while others are dark. Offspring inherit complexion from their parents. Everybody wants a fair complexioned bride. There is an imbalance in demand and supply.

Deficiency of complexion is compensated by father's wealth. People are willing ‘to stoop’ under the presence of wealth thus average complexioned daughters are able to find grooms. The remaining ones have to find grooms who fall under ‘expiry date’ category. By this category we imply grooms who themselves have a pleasant appearance, have a good job, come from a family enjoying financial security, yet remained the bachelor because they kept ‘rejecting’ girls one after the other and index of their marriage fell to bottom than to zero. People of middle or low-income group marry their fair complexioned daughters’ to grooms having a dark complexion if they are affluent. They justify with the reason themselves, what if the groom is dark, but my daughter will be rich and lead a luxurious life. Probably, this could be the justification in any case otherwise, how could a bride of Madhuri's beauty have wedded me? Of course, these are not ‘absolute’ truths, there are exceptions too. However, this is the normal trend.

Madhuri and I often discussed how our daughters would be wedded. The expenditure on marriage in a normal family would imply expenditure to the tune of Rs.5 Lakhs and the figure would rise to Rs.10 Lakhs if the groom’s family enjoyed reputation and wealth. Madhuri believed that because of their education they would find jobs and this would make the task easy. Though marriage expenses were not ruled out.

She would ask me, "How will you manage in a situation like this?" I would keep quiet and divert to something else. She knew I was in trouble but didn't know the gravity of it, otherwise, she would.  I had turned with a perfect brazen rogue.  I used to enjoy sound sleep.

In Agrawals’, the family of the groom will do the homework on bride’s parent's financial condition by indulging in all kind of inquiries and spy. Only if they are convinced that their expectation would be fulfilled they will approach the bride’s parents. On the table of discussion they will initiate by negating anything as dowry and would say, “See, we don't want anything for ourselves." Once the matter gets settled they would insist, "You will have to do this much, don't give our relatives a chance to laugh at." After the marriage, there would be several occasions when the bloodsuckers would ruthlessly fleece the parents because the bride was in their custody. If the parents wanted their daughter to stay in their family they would have to appease them.

The humiliation of being a daughter’s parent is known only after her marriage. Only a few are good otherwise, it is normal to endure the pain from them.

We were never seeking invites for daughter’s marriage from our community only. We were open to considerations from other communities as well without any reservations. Our priority was an appropriate match, a proper groom worthy to our esteem. The children themselves had to decide what they thought good for themselves. We had even decided that our daughter-in-law would come only once to the joint family. By the time of her next arrival, separate arrangements for her stay would be made. She would not be yoked in the cart of the joint family and would be free to decide her future and develop her plans accordingly. This was our belief for maintaining a cordial relationship from the beginning of their married life.

One evening, I received a telephone at my lodge counter, "This is Dr. Kedarnath Agrawal, speaking from Indore."
        "Yes, please, what can I do for you?"
        "I want to marry your daughter Sangeeta."
        "O.K. Do you know each other?"
        "No."
        "Does Sangeeta know you?"
        "Probably no. You find out about me. My family is in Gotegaon near Jabalpur. I, herewith, inform you their whereabouts, addresses and telephone number. Please note my number as well and if you think worthwhile proceed in the matter."  Dr.Kedarnath apprised me all the details and with mutual Namaskar, the conversation was concluded.

I conveyed the matter to Sangeeta on the phone and she got surprised. She hadn't heard about the person. I dictated her Dr.Kedarnath clinic address and suggested her to make her own inquiries. She sent two of her friends to locate the place and see the person. They returned after meeting him and confirmed that it was a ‘valid’ call. I asked Sangeeta to go and see to arrive at any conclusion.
        "You are a limit, Papa.  You want me to see him alone?
        "You must first approve them, only then the matter can progress."
        "O.K. But you are putting me to a lot of complex situation."
        "After all, you have to face that situation, sooner or later."

Sangeeta accompanied by her cousin Mamta under whose guardianship she had been living in Indore, went to see him. After returning from there she sent me a mail, "I don't see any reason to reject him but the matter has to be finalized by you & Mummy."

We were happy with the proposed marriage, we were hesitant in taking the initiative because our financial crisis had further deepened. How would we manage, in case the matter gets settled was a problem that used to agitate the mind? But Madhuri said something significant, "Since they themselves are taking initiative we should not consider their proposal lightly and should honor their proposal. First, go to Indore, see them, discuss the matter, and find out facts about them, other things we shall see later on."

I went to Indore after a few days. Before meeting Dr.Kedarnath I deemed it proper to see Dr.Anup Vyas, his friend first. I said, "You are having a dual responsibility. Kedar is your friend while Sangeeta is your disciple."
        "I had suggested Kedar about Sangeeta."
        "Tell me about Kedarji."
        "Extremely good.  We lived together in the hostel for four years.  I know everything about him."
        "What do you know?"
        "He is a very calculative person though not manipulative."
        "And?"
        "He is free from all kinds of addiction, neither wine nor cigarette."
        "Is it true?"
        "Were it so I would have known."
        "Why doesn't he take?  It is so common in medical colleges."
        "What you say is true but Kedarnath strongly dislikes them.  No one can even force him to try."

Having received favorable information from Dr.Anup Vyas, I reached Dr. Kedarnath's clinic. I spoke to him and urged him to wait for two years so that Sangeeta could do her Post Graduation (M.D.S.) and meanwhile we might arrange finances. He said, "It won't be possible to wait however you need not worry about marriage expenses. Everything will be without pomp and show. Whatever you do, how much you do, will be alright."

After meeting him I went to Gotegaon to visit Kedarnath’s family with a formal proposal. I handed over to them Sangeeta's horoscope and photograph. They said to inform us later after considering the matter. Within a week Sangeeta's maternal uncle Madan Gopalji received the horoscope and photograph with the comment that the horoscope didn't match. For us, the matter concluded and we preferred to remain calm. However, destiny has it's own way. No one can avoid what is destined.   The events are free to happen.  We should keep ourselves concerned only to face them!

After a few months, I dialed Dr.Kedarnath's number and enquired, "Now what do you think Doctor?"
"Grant me some time", he said.
Next day I received Dr.Kedar Nath's call who said, "I have spoken to my family, they have agreed. You go there and discuss the dates for marriage."

I reached Gotegaon without wasting time, discussed the matter and returned to Bilaspur extremely delighted, having enjoyed the meal served in silver wares. The matter was conveyed to all the brothers, sisters and relatives. The date proposed was 15th February 2002 which coincided with Sangeeta's dates for examination. We tried to postpone it until 8th May but according to Dr. Kedar Nath's horoscope no other date was found suitable within the year. Hence we had agreed to accept the date fixed earlier during the exams. Her in-laws assured that there would be only three days interruption and she would be allowed to proceed for exams soon after three days.

Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 28

All my life every decision was approved by my instinct, whatever felt right I did but where lies the possibility to judge them right or wrong? In fact, all our decision are neither right nor wrong, they are only decisions. Humans only can decide what they to do but the consequent results sometimes are as per calculations and sometimes otherwise. There is no point in analyzing the actions which lead to the results judging whether your actions were right or wrong. Take my words whatever is destined is bound to happen.

To make a living is not too difficult. One has to cater to the needs of the belly. But no one wants to live in a freestyle, come what may we deal what we deem proper. Everyone has his dreams, objectives, ambitions. He exerts to accomplish them, whether attainable or impossible. I wanted to live with my joint family. I found my happiness amidst them. But it didn’t match. I could infer that if one wants to live decently then the joint family is not the right platform to launch him. He should tide over the hurdle at the most opportune moment.

The joint family system was neither beneficial for me nor the pleasant one. It was the time to remain cemented with the family. Education did not enjoy the importance, especially among the business class, it was regarded as a sheer waste of time. I kept myself deeply attached to education like a skilled thief, in the same way, I used to surreptitiously escape for seeing films.

I spent my childhood sobbing, youth in fully immersing in the task I undertook. What did I gain ? Zero. The house I was born in, where I grew, married, blessed with children, felt pains and pleasures had to be left behind though I earnestly nursed the hope that it would be my corpse which would leave the house.

I had woven my dreams in the fabrics of my joint family. I did not have my existence as an individual thread. I never knew where I got mixed and lost in the texture of the fabric. Then came a day when I was no longer a part of the fabric. Pulling me out I got myself discarded. The feet beneath I had spread my dreams, after treading on them, stood it a distance to see my fiasco.

William Butler Yeats tells:

        "Had I the heaven’s embroidered cloths,
        Enwrought with gold and silver light,
        The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
        Of night and light and the half-light,
        I would spread the cloth under your feet:
        But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
        I have spread my dreams under your feet;
        Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 27

Around every family, there are persons who are adept in poisoning the ears. They whisper their wisdom in the ears of certain persons which make the internal adjustments within the family topple down. This happened in our home also. I have told you that Madhuri had taken the responsibility of sending meals to my parents every day. This continued without interruption for three years.  Both of them were satisfied with the meals and the care she used to take. If they needed some special dish on any occasion they used to let her know and Madhuri would prepare for them. Though we were living in a separate house they could not be forsaken or forgotten. Madhuri would find time to visit them every evening to find out how they were, their medical requirements etc. If necessary doctors were called for and I was keen to ensure their proper treatment. This good will caused heartburns to a few people and they began finding ‘special’ motives behind such frequent visits and concerns.   Something was whispered in Daddaji’s ears and surprisingly he got convinced. He was probably suspecting that I had mean intentions behind my sincerity and concerns. When Sangeeta came to Bilaspur during vacations she went to visit her grandparents. During conversation Daddaji’s said a few things which were awkward and then added, “Your mother sends us tiffin. Is she doing any favor?  We can procure meals for ten rupees from the market!”

I was apprised of this when I returned home. I asked Madhuri to stop sending tiffins in future. Madhuri disagreed, “Daddaji often says several things, he might have said so, who would feed them?”
“They can have it bought from the market. He has lots of money. I’ll tell him.”
“Don’t get flared up, they will find it very inconvenient.” She said.

Both of us tried to reach a conclusion but could not decide. Next morning she said, “You are deep in trouble while everyone else is enjoying. None bothered to realize your troubles burdening you they have become free from all kinds of worries, let them get a chance to serve him. O.K. I won’t send tiffin any longer.”

It was 10th March 1999.  Tiffin service came to an end and with this, our conversations also came an end. I was extremely sad. Daddaji and Ammaji’s conditions began deteriorating. He became seriously ill, turned into a skeleton.  After some days they were compelled to leave the house. This was because of me. I am guilty, a merciless son who drove his old ailing parents in those days of misery to distress. Condemn me as much as you want. It was my ego that pushed them to suffer.

Time speeding continued to sweep. A home full of hustle bustle gradually got vacated as inhabitants began leaving it one after another. Six daughters went to their respective homes after marriage. Elder brother Roop Narayan went to Raipur in 1975 followed by me in 1984 and Rajkumar in 1996, leaving only two persons in that spacious house, 83-year-old Daddaji and 81-years-old Ammaji. In view of their inconvenience elder brother took both of them to Raipur in 1999. The house with fourteen rooms at Golbazar deserted and a Godrej lock was fixed to its entrance. Silence reigned in a house bursting with activities.

In Raipur Daddaji’s condition worsened.  Investigations revealed that the kidney was malfunctioning. He was admitted to a Nephrologist’s clinic. I went to see him. I kept standing. He looked at me with a cold glance and began looking in another direction. Later on, I was informed that he was lodged in a Naturopathy hospital.  I went to see him again. He had shrunk considerably with eyes looking pitiable. Even on that day, he did not speak to me while I could not summon the courage to speak to him. He was passing through the dusk of his life somehow as do the tail Enders in cricket do.

A few days later, I was in my shop Madhu Chhaya Kendra. Telephone rang. It was Daddaji’s voice, choked with emotions: “I am speaking.”
“Ji, Daddaji, Pranam,”  I said.
“Are you angry?”
“No, certainly not.”
“I made a serious mistake in estimating you, pardon me.”
“What do you say, Daddaji?  Please don’t say so. It was my fault. You grant me pardon.”
“No, you weren’t at fault. Let ignore the past”
“But Daddaji, you took a long time to estimate me. You know that I have turned fifty-two.” I burst into tears. He remained silent for some time and then said, “Come to Raipur tomorrow. I have to discuss an important matter with you.”
“Ji, I’ll come.

Next day, 15th October 1999, I went to him. His knees had bent which he couldn’t stretch. He had become extremely weak, eyes stretch sunk. In a very weak voice, he said, “Come, Chhote bhaiya, sit.”
“Ji.”  I touched his feet and set beside him.
“I want to consult you.”
“Ji.”
“I want to divide the property, what is your opinion? How should it be done?”
“How can I advise you? You do what you deem best.”
“See, I am asking only you. I haven’t asked anybody.”
“You used to solve everybody’s problem. How can I suggest you anything?”
“Come on, now tell me what do you want?”
"Shop, ‘Pendrawala’. ”
“Why? Munna (younger brother) insists on having it.”
“Our reputation is linked with it. I cannot see its mismanaged condition.”
“Leave it aside. You accept the lodge and run it. If it runs well the family reputation will increase and everything will become all right, accept my proposal.”
“As you like it.”
“Go and open its lock. Get it cleaned and after finding a Shubh Muhurt, the auspicious time, start running it.”
“Ji”, I said.

The lodge reopened on 31st October 1999 after the ritual Puja. It was named after my grandfather Jagdish Narayan as Shri Jagdish Lodge. All the members of the family attended the Puja except Daddaji whose health did not permit him to travel.  The lodge was constructed under Daddaji’s supervision who, despite his old age, supervised every minute detail for twenty-five years. He could not witness its inauguration.

In the mid-heart of city, Sadar Bazar, the lodge began functioning but did not enjoy a clientele. Some stray customer would stay while the two of us sit there, day and night, almost idle. Madhuri enquired me, “How come, people don’t seem to notice the lodge?”
“It will take a lot of my time.  People must know about it then only will they turn towards it.” Our financial crisis was too deep one couldn’t predict how much time it might take.

One month later, Daddaji called all of us to Raipur. Three brothers sat near him. After consultations, he divided his entire movable-immovable property among us.  He didn’t make any provision for Ammaji which, to my mind, was his blunder.

An interesting fact emerged in this family meeting, the person who didn’t want anything, wanted to have everything. At the end of the meeting, Daddaji asked me, “I nurse a complaint against you.”
“Complaint! Against me?” I demanded.
“You borrowed money from people, never cared for my reputation.”
“It is true I borrowed. But did anyone approach you asking for repayment?”
“No.”
“Did you ever hear that I refused to repay the basic money to anyone or didn’t pay him the interest?”
“No.”
“Then how did your reputation suffer blemish?”
“What you say is correct.”
“Since you started the discussion, may I ask you one thing?”
“Yes, do ask.”
“What compelled me to borrow from others despite you?”
“Yes, that was my lapse.” he promptly answered with a shadow of sadness on his face.

On 27th February 2000, I received a message from Raipur that Daddaji’s condition was critical. On the way to bus stand I parked my scooter at a shop on the road and boarded a bus leaving for Raipur. By six in the evening, I reached elder brother’s home and took my nephew Tejprakash to the hospital. Daddaji saw me, held my both hands in his hands. A silent communication ensued between us. All of sudden his breathing became too fast and within seconds ceased, his eyes turned blank. A glorious man, who had no foes, became powerless, defeated by death only.

His mortal remains were brought to Bilaspur the same night where he was laid to rest where he had spent golden years of his life.  His inert body was speechless, looking so unusually odd. It seemed he would rise and begin scolding,“you can’t even manage my funeral properly!”
      
On 28th February, prior to his last journey, wreaths were placed on his body. I too offered flowers and touched his feet. Tears welling in my eyes since last evening burst from my eyes. It wasn’t my father I was bidding adieu. I was saying goodbye to my mentor, my Guru, who molded my personality, taught business skills, taught how to behave, speak and value time. He taught me discipline, honesty, and frankness.

Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 26

Finally, we came back home, I would rather say could not change our place. The problem and its solution lie at the far end, very far. The real problem is to understand the problem. A person who is surrounded by problems does not find his intellect working properly, even his attempt to solve the problem is barred by negative thoughts. ‘Wait for the right time’ is the step taken by the person to postpone any redress to the problem. Even his intellect is challenged by his own people who would always be concerned that the person may not take a wrong step.

I could sustain and survive my crisis for three decades. Thanks to the support that my wife and children extended. Quite often I used to blame myself for their miserable plight, they had to undergo a lot of inconvenience on my account. Madhuri had to suffer a lot because of joint families ordeals. Suffering doesn’t merely imply the burden of household responsibilities. Any Indian film on the theme of a joint family system would enlighten you a lot. Even after ‘expulsion’ from the joint family, she did not find relief, thanks to her pampered husband. In her place, any one women of the modern era would have left me!

I had believed that she would stand by me and support my decision to shift but she could not make up her mind. She strongly rejected the idea of shifting to Pune. I had to adhere to her stand and remained silent.

This was the third mistake of my life. Yes, third mistake.  The first when I decided to opt my family business and quit for administrative service. The second, when I foolishly handed over the ‘Pendrawala’ shop to my younger brother and accept the liabilities on my shoulders. The third, I could not stick to my intention of shifting to Pune.

Alas!  Man can not foresee his future and decide accordingly.

                                                       **********

Our Pune episode distracted you from the main story. We were talking about Kuntal’s decision to compete for engineering admission. He was obsessed by his desire to compete. It was a year that saw his determination and sense of dedication. He was driven by a frenzy and scored distinction in English and Maths at the twelfth year exams. This was followed by the results of MPPET, VYAPAM, Bhopal. Out of 50 thousand students, Kuntal stood at the 72nd rank, scoring 80% marks. We hoped that he would get admission in any prestigious institution of the country whereas Kuntal aspired to join REC Trichy (Now a NIT). We were asked to report at Bhopal for counseling. I decided to accompany him. I didn’t have decent clothes. Madhuri advised, “Go to the market and buy two readymade pants. People from the whole country would flock together. You won’t look fine in such shabby dresses.”

My financial position was tight but keeping Madhuri’s order in mind, I complied and bought two pants. I reached Bhopal with Kuntal. The pants that I bought could not serve the intended purpose because the stitches of one of the pants were loose within a few minutes of use. Hence I did not touch the second fearing similar fate. So I had to rely on my old worn out pants and reached REC for counseling. Mismanagement crowd and day long to and fro movement made me upset. Persons on duty were not only rude but also adept in postponing matters.  Had Kuntal’s admission not been at stake I would have picked quarrels with them. However, a life spent in our country makes you extremely tolerant. Ours is a strange system, 'keep quiet.' Dare not to speak: neither at home nor outside. Anyway, Kuntal had his wish fulfilled. He got the college of his choice, Trichy REC. We returned Bilaspur in a happy mood.

Then arose another problem – how to manage a sum of Rs.20,000/- for Kuntal’s admission at Trichy. Annual tuition fee Rs.15,000/- plus Rs.2,000/- for hostel admission, Rs.2,000/- pocket expenses and another Rs.1,000/- for to and fro journey. I was just thinking about a person among my acquaintance who could manage the sum. Reservations for the journey to Trichy and for the return were made. At least, the day when we were to leave for Trichy also arrived.  In the morning Madhuri enquired while having tea, “You are to leave in the evening.”
“Yes.”
“Did you manage the sum?”
“No.”
“Then!”
“I will see.  We have a full day.”
“Take my bangles.  Sell them if this can serve the need.”
“No, I won’t touch your ornaments.  I had been through hard phases but never asked you for them. Keep them secure.  Maybe we might need at the time of our children’s marriage, at least let them remain intact.”

There is a locality in our city called Gondpara where stands a temple, Sita Ram Temple. Pandit Laxman Sharan Mishra former professor of philosophy at Ravi Shankar University, Raipur assumed its care after his retirement.  He was all-in-one. I used to find pleasure in his company discussing religious, social and political matters. I was mentally upset but I went to him to seek solace and make my mind firm.  We had Poha for breakfast followed by tea. We had a discussion for almost an hour. Suddenly Panditji asked, “What is the matter Dwarika Bhaiya, your mind seems to be somewhere else.”
“Kuntal is to be admitted at Trichy REC. We are to leave in the evening without having the required sum.  I am in a fix.  How to arrange?”
“What do you say? You amidst financial crisis?”
“Yes, I have been pondering over it”. He rose from the sofa, opened his steel almirah, and took out a cheque book.
“How much do you need?”
“Twenty thousand.”
He wrote the cheque and said, “This is for twenty thousand. Get it en-cashed at the bank.”
“You are so kind and helpful but I have a problem, I am not sure how long will I take to repay it.”
“No problem. Repay when you have the convenience. This is temple’s money. There won’t be any reminder.” He said with love and affection.
I rose, touched his feet and returned to the shop to apprise Madhuri.

It was the day of Krishna Janmashtami, the auspicious day of Lord Krishna’s birth. Kuntal, who left home that night, never came back. He came but stayed out. You might be wondering, ‘What could have happened?’ I promise I’ll tell you all.  He has to spend four years studying engineering. Let him finish wait till then.

I wish every one’s life is interesting. We all want to live happily but the life situations we are environed with is always pulling us down but we cannot decide whether to laugh or cry. Even though I had left my parental home but I was always connected and attached to family relations and responsibilities. I always considered their problem as mine and rejoiced in their happiness and in every occasion I would go beyond my means to fulfill my obligations and to keep the relations intact. But you know whenever the wheel of balance and mutual trust is lost, a situation arises that some member turns to be exploiter while other is victimized, the concept of family relationship collapses.

Sigmond Freud said, ‘man is incurable. At the most, we can hope that he might live as adjusted person. One should not expect more than that. One cannot be happy we can simply manage to see that he does not become unhappy.’

Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 25

I have already told you that my son Kuntal did not find studies interesting.  He thought that he was doing Goddess Saraswati a favor by attending school. Family pressure compelled him to fill PET form but on the day of the exam he kept sleeping.  His mother scolded him, “Go and take the test, we have spent Rs.200/- on the application form.”
“I haven’t prepared.  What shall I do there?”  He replied still dozing.
“Do whatever you can, but leave home instantly.”  Reluctantly he got up and attempted the test.

His other colleagues faired very well and were able to secure entry in reputed institutions.  While some joined I.I.T. and others REC.  This was celebrated with parties, felicitation parties followed by farewell parties. This had an unusual impact on him.  He began perhaps, self-assessment.
One day when we were dining together he was engrossed, “Papa, these four friends of mine are going to join reputed institutions.  I am the cleverest of all the four.  They have become ‘hero’ while I am left clapping.”
“So what?”  I stared at him.
“Will you grant me leave for one year?  Assume that Kammu is not at home.”
“What shall you do?”
“I shall take P.E.T, prepare for it.”
Unanimously we all said, “Leave granted.”  He beamed with self-confidence and our home was filled with Radiant energy.  The sentence, “Will you grant me leave for one year” shaped his destiny which we had never imagined.

While at the shop I could handle the creditors with tact but when they demanded repayment on landline phone at home I faced differently. It was only a room house hence conversations on the telephone could be heard by everyone in the house and hence my crisis would be ‘exposed’ to everyone in the family. I found a way out. I would remove the receiver from the cradle to keep the phone ‘held up’ and I might enjoy uninterrupted sleep. However, Madhuri took notice of my trick and began enquiring. I had to confess that I had to resort to such tactics to avoid creditors’ calls disturbing us. Though she knew about it but had no idea that could be so serious. She enquired, “how long will such tactic work? Do you have any plan?”
“I don’t know what we can do!  I work hard all day at the shop but still find myself incapable of paying the mounting interest and the principal. Even I loose no opportunity to impart training and secure an extra income but yet that does not suffice.”
“Oh, you! You will always plan something silly, where will you?”
“Pune, Pune would be all right.”
“Why Pune?”
“I shall have better training opportunities there. It will be better for children education too.”

It is difficult decision for anyone to quit one’s homeland. After consultations, we decided to conduct a survey at Pune before arriving at a final decision.  I got tickets reserved for Pune and informed Sangeeta to reach Pune directly from Indore.

When a man flies in the sky of success he considers all those who failed dunce or lazy. He thinks success a trifle within everyone’s reach. He finds fault in the person for this failure, imbecile or tardy. According to a Punjabi proverb: Jinne ghar daanen ve kamale bi syaanen’, even idiots in the family of affluent & rich are counted wise. I saw many idiots riding high horse of success and people regard them clever and skillful. Note the fact that every successful person basks in the sunshine of his success, indulging in narcissism with his self confidence at the climax. He speaks with candor, his wife and children enjoy respect. On the contrary, an unsuccessful person suffers from inferiority complex, his voice remains mild and anyone can mock with his wife. His children suffer all kinds of humiliation. Powerful persons consider it their birthright to exploit the powerless. I am not speaking anything in the air but my own experiences.

The one who is rich, powerful or has a good position is held in awe by everyone in the family. Everyone takes special care of his likes and dislikes, precautionary measures are taken so as he is not offended somehow. He is consulted in every matter even on insignificant issues. His opinion gets priority while arriving at a decision. Whereas, poor, powerless and person without a position is treated as the valueless person. He is neither consulted nor ever informed about any decisions. If he is found amidst people discussing a family affair he is scorned and asked, ‘Who is asking you? Why are you standing here?

‘Inconvenience’ is a problem that lasts only for a short duration, when it prolongs it is called a situation of distress if it still persists it assumes the nature of a crisis which later on turns into a calamity. When such calamity envelops longer it is called a catastrophe. In my family circumstances, catastrophe would arise only after my death or homicide. My name was not on the list of Yamraj, the God of Death, and I was not among those who commit suicide. I was 52 at that time and my spirit was soaring high.

My business contributed little to my income, a drop in the ocean. The only possible remedy was to sell the house and repay loans and plunge headlong into training. I could see immense opportunities waiting in the training field. Metros provide the necessary climate. For such enterprise, it was necessary to reside in a metro to work on a wider canvas. Corporate sector could be impressed by the tag of a metro.  I used to watch the performance of several reputed trainers. Their reputation was ‘powered’ by the place of their residence.  For setting at a new place, Pune appeared to be the ideal choice. It would have brightened our future prospects and facilitate the better education of children. Hence both of us managed to raise some sum and left for Pune. After reaching Pune we stayed at a lodge @ Rs.65 per Day opposite railway station meant for patients though the manager did not ask the name of the disease and saved us the sin of telling a lie. Within six to seven hours Sangeeta also arrived and joined us. Smt. Suman Ravindranath an old family acquaintance extended full co-operation. I liked the city. Pleasant weather, lively environment, regular cultural and literacy activities and excellent arrangements for education induced me to return promptly and come with baggage.

Madhuri was a bit apprehensive. Marathi language and the metro culture made her hesitate. She wondered how we would be able to establish a thriving business but I was carefree. Training reputation would have established in a period of one year or two. Meanwhile, I wouldn’t mind selling tea and Chat on a push cart. No one in Pune knew me hence the reputation of Dwarika Prasad Agrawal, certified trainer J.C.I. who teaches management to corporate executives or son of Seth Ram Prasad stooped as low to sell Chat! I hoped that the name Pune would have its impact in ensuring training jobs and thus I would get rid of push cart sell.

Something within me was prompting there was prosperity awaiting me in a new city. It was worth while to leave the hometown but Madhuri was fifty-fifty, still undecided. Sangeeta didn’t react. She watched our activities in silence. After staying for three days we boarded Azad-Hind Express train for Bilaspur in the evening. At a midway station, Daund, a mob entered the coach. They pushed us aside, behaved rudely and occupied our berths by force. They made all of us to shift to the extreme corner of the berth and keeping us awake all the night. They were citizens of our own country, followers of Baba Saheb Bhimrao Ambedkar, reaching Nagpur for attending a program in honor of Lord Buddha. Their forced entry into the coach made ‘reservation’ redundant. There was not even an inch to step on. We were forced to remain fixed at our place until noon when they alighted at Nagpur. In such state of ‘jam,’ we began condemning ourselves for being born in a country of chaos. We could have neither water nor tea because that would have forced us to attend the call of nature in that packed compartment while we were unable to go to the toilet.

At Nagpur, we all rushed towards toilets after 16 hours long waiting and thus felt relieved. Returning from toilet Madhuri pronounced her verdict, Pune nahin jaanaa, apna Bilaspur achchha hai,‘No need to come to Pune, Bilaspur is a far better place.’

Thus our scheme to shift was abandoned and we remained glued to Bilaspur.

Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 24

During my visit to Korba, on way to the training center from the guest house I found a couplet by Rahim, an eminent Hindi poet, Rahiman chup vhai baithiye dekh dinan ke fer, neeke din jab aaihain ubari n lagihain der, written on a board which used to urge people to have patience and fortitude during period of distress. It promised good days ahead. It used to give me solace and felt consoled.

However, my eyes had turned dry awaiting those promised good days. My financial circumstances were getting worse from bad. I didn’t have any bad habit, neither gambling nor any addiction to drinking or smoking. I wasn’t extravagant. However, interest on my loans along with day to day domestic expenses far exceeded my meager income hence I continued to have a hand to mouth living. Quite a few training periods used to be without remuneration, mere heartiest thanks, whatever I used to earn as remuneration could be considered an ice cream to feed an elephant.

Proverbs enlighten us, ‘One should miss a meal instead of borrowing.’ One can do so but one can not see one’s wife and children starving or can you see your quest hungry? How can an educated person deny education to his children? People helped me a lot but how many times and how long can a wellwisher continue helping the needy person?

My father-in-law Kishun Lal and elder brother Roop Narayan were very generous to extend financial support for the construction of the house. Though it was a loan but due to delay was turning into a grant. Suddenly my father-in-law had a cardiac arrest and expired. I had to attend his funeral as a defaulter son-in-law. My words cannot express my embarrassment at that time. I shall regret the fact all my life, that I could not repay my loan when he was alive. Neither he, nor my elder brother nor my friend Ramkishan Khandelwal ever demanded the sum back, nor did they divulge the fact to anyone nor reminded me for ten to twenty years!

You may ask why such situation arose. I had sound business skills with good knowledge of management principles yet I could not control the situation. A believer in fate would blame his ill fate but non-believers would point out the reason for the failure towards my mismanagement and poor financial planning. But the reason behind the situation was to stand on family responsibilities I exceeded beyond my capacity which my shoulder could not bear.

Service class and businessman have different attitudes. An employed person can excuse himself excused on the pretext of ‘leave’ problems and avoid attending a social celebration. He might even say that the financial constraints during the last days of the month did not permit him to attend. But a businessman can not parade such excuses. A person living in the joint family has to spend much more than he can afford. Nobody notices what one spends nor gets any kind of appreciation. It is just to be generous, throw charity in a sea and forget.

One has to be ingenious as well as shameless in order to survive after borrowing. There are several money lenders willing to lend you money but they wish their capital to be safe and interest to be secured. The moneylender charges low interest if the loan is backed by a surety but the rates of interest go on increasing if the risk is higher. In order to keep my credit in the market, I had to borrow from one to repay an old loan.  This is what the proverb says: ‘To rob Peter to pay Paul.’ The antenna of my mind was alert searching a new money lender whenever an old loan approaches payment. I had some permanent money lenders while a few had to be searched whenever the situation became precarious. Majority whom I approached for a loan, obliged me. However, there were several ‘bosom friend’ who maintained a safe distance. These experiences were bitter and an eye opener.  Loans were piled up to such an extent that to repay it was not immediately possible. It could be slightly reduced either by selling my wife’s ornaments or the land adjacent to the house but due to emotional attachment I was not prepared to do it. But it could not be delayed anymore.

I had borrowed Rs.One lakh from a friend Akshay to whom I paid monthly interest. After two years he demanded the principal back.  I was in a pitiable situation unable to find any source. I urged him to wait for some time but he said that he needed the amount immediately. I thought that he had helped me when I was in a desperate situation. Now it is my turn to do so. I offered him to buy the land adjoining my house and he agreed to buy it at the market rate prevailing at that time. He paid me the sum after deducting his claim. Thus the land earmarked for a spacious bungalow got sold.

Madhuri, to some extent, knew a little about my financial liabilities. But she could not fathom its magnitude. I did not divulge my miserable plight because despite my pitiable condition I could enjoy sound sleep. She wouldn’t sleep at all if she knew the real situation. I suffered the misery of those horrible days alone because it was because of my past folly of remaining deeply attached with the joint family.

Neither Madhuri nor my children had any extravagant demand. To pay Sangeeta’s college fees used to be a grim task. When I failed to pay her annual fees in time her exam. Admit card used to be withheld and she would phone me, “Papa, arrange to remit fifteen thousand two hundred towards tuition fees (Rs.14000) and late fees (Rs.1200) to enable me to take the exam.”  I would leave the house in search of a new well-wisher. It was a very trying period. Quite often I did not have money to buy ration or even vegetables. Things were manageable as my unstable financial condition was not known in the market.

Financial ups and downs lasted for 30 years like a prolonged tune of Dhrupad classical song, extremely long and boring. Yet, we always lived as a carefree family, in our gaiety. Tension used to subdue me, but for some time. Whatever an urgent payment was to be made I would be tensed but as soon as the commitment was honored I was again relaxed. In a book on stress management, we are apprised of AAA formula. A = Alter, A = Avoid, A = Accept.

# Alter: When in tension, find its root and try to alter the situation.
# Avoid: If no solution is in sight, postpone it or delay it. If an alteration is not possible, avoid it.
# Accept: When both possibilities are blocked, accept the situation. If no way, accept it.

This principle always came to my rescue and I was always happy. However, I was sure of my long life as the creditors always prayed for it.

Crushed under the mountain of hazards I began suffocating.  No ray of hope was in sight yet I always try to look beyond the darkness.

Autobiography‬ : Journey by Chance : 23

Rajkumar, my younger brother, was also expelled from the house in 1995.  Thus the spacious three storyed house had only two persons residing in, Daddaji and his life partner, Ammaji.  A couple that had nine children alive, remained in their home alone with no one to take care of them.  After the expulsion who will cook for Daddaji, was the pressing problem?  Madhuri decided that she would send them meals from her kitchen every day.

I received an invitation from Korba JCI for training to the members. The Chief Guest for the program was Mr.R.K.Jaiswal, Deputy General Manager, Human Resources & Simulator Departments, NTPC, Jamnipali (Korba).  In a two hour long program, he sat with rapt attention listening to what I said on the topic, ‘How to say no?’  After the program, he asked me if I would impart training in his organization.
“Sure”, I said.
“Send us a proposal, I’ll send you the schedule.”
“Fine.” Disguising my happiness I said in a serious tone.  This short conversation proved immensely beneficial in the long run.  I got a chance to train people in that organization for a period of thirteen years.  My training fee began with two thousand and increased in the due course of time to five thousand.  I had conducted the programs for more than 200 days covering 50-60 topics.

The tag of a trainer hailing from a small city like Bilaspur was not magnetic. During those days it was blooming as a trend in the corporate sector to arrange training for their executives, staff and workers. They were fascinated by names of trainers hailing from Mumbai, Delhi, Calcutta, Chennai, Bangalore and Pune. I was lazy in marketing and was extremely hesitating by nature. Applications for conducting seminar were sent to several industries who did not even bothered to reply except Hindustan Aeronautics, Nasik who not only replied but called me twice.

The reason for the slow response to my training was also due to the fact that executives were imparted training in the English language. I used to impart training in Hindi. Most of the organizations preferred an English trainer. Don’t presume my linguistic ability, I had knowledge of English as entire teaching material was in English. I could converse as per requirement but I lacked a firm grip on the language. The command I had in Hindi, made my training very effective as compared to training delivered in English. So I always gave my training in Hindi only. I did not want to do anything which would merely be time pass or ad-hoc kind of work. My aim was never to earn money by any means. Training is not merely for the sake of training but to instill the topic in the mind of the trainees. Training is not mere ‘speech and hearing’ but to orient the minds of persons in a particular direction, changing their mindsets.

One young man from Bilaspur, Ashutosh Mishra was the coordinator in the Human Resources Management Section of Larsen & Toubro at Chandrapur (Maharashtra).  He gave me several opportunities to conduct programs at Chandrapur, Hirmi (Chhattisgarh) and Jharsuguda (Odisha).

A participant during a training program at Hirmi asked me an arduous question, “Sir, do you believe in God?”
“What do you expect me to reply?”  I put a counter question.
“Say ‘yes’ if you believe or ‘no’ if you don’t.”  I kept quiet.  I couldn’t answer.  He darted another question at me, tell us, whether you conduct Puja, idol worship, at home or not.”
“Yes, I do”, I said.
“That makes it clear, you are a believer in God.”
“No, to believe in God and conduct Puja are two different things.”
“How?”
“Reason behind my Puja is different.”
“What is that, sir?”
“When my parents were shifting to Raipur from Bilaspur they handed over the idols installed in their house so that daily Puja might continue. These idols were installed at our home and my wife Madhuri used to perform Puja. One day she suggested, “The Lord has His abode in our home. Will it dishonor you if you bow your head?”
“That’s not the matter. You know that I have lost faith in Puja. I cannot do this.”
“That is O.K. but think, they were installed in our home for daily worship but they remain unattended for four days due to the menstrual cycle every month!  Is that fair?” Madhuri asked me and this made me ponder. She had a strong point. From next morning, I began conducting the Puja in a prescribed manner and at the end would blow the conch so that Madhuri might know, wherever she might be, that Puja was conducted as for sure.”
“You did the right thing, Sir. Your wife is a wise person, she connected you with the God.”
“Yes, I do the Puja not to please the God but to keep my wife happy.”