While my eldest daughter Sangeeta was in Indore Dental College, younger one, Sangya, in Bilaspur (B.Sc.Microbiology) and the youngest, Kuntal was studying in B.Tech. (Electricals and Electronics) at Trichy. Sangya, having finished B.Sc. was preparing for State Civil Services. Those were extremely trying days as our finances had dipped to the lowest level. Kuntal's college campus was very spacious spread over a large area. He had to move from hostel to various departments on foot as we could not afford to buy a cycle for him. Our all the three children had to undergo a lot of inconvenience during their education, yet they never complained.
When Sangeeta was in the final year of B.D.S. we became worried about her marriage as she had crossed 25. When she was in Bilaspur during some vacation we discussed the matter with her and she readily agreed with a condition, ‘He must be without any addiction neither cigarette nor wine.’
Where on earth one could find such an innocent one in modern period! I, in a lighter view, coaxed her, "What is the use of such an education when a girl can't find herself a husband!”
"All my male colleagues are addicted to these, I know."
"Where on earth should we find a puritan?"
"That is none of my headaches, it's yours."
"Strange, we must educate you and also find a husband for you!" I said, she smiled in response.
It is a challenge to run a family. The man is not able to manage himself despite he is loaded with the responsibility of caring his family members too. The head person is required to take multiple roles to fulfill his responsibilities. The problem with family members while fulfilling his responsibilities is dualistic. If he praises someone the other rides on cloud nine whereas if he condemns, the others’ head boils out of anger.
There are several impediments in trying to reconcile different attitudes, views, and expectations. There are few who can say his / her point without any ambiguity while others fail to present their grievances. A few are outspoken while others timid and hesitant. This is what happens in the family network of communication. It is in each family.
We are three brothers. The age difference between each other is around ten years. Children of the same sire, born in the same womb, brought up in the similar atmosphere while we share a few traits in common we differ considerably in varied matters, especially 'mindsets'. Nature, very generously provides similar organs but makes them different by a change of faces, colors, physique and temperaments. Though alike they are never the same, each has a unique identity. Think for a while, had it not been so, what a chaos it would have made in the society?
Elders are able to control as long as fellow members oblige him. They are obeyed till the obeying person wants to win their goodwill. If one continues to obey parents even after having one's wishes fulfilled, such parents should consider themselves extremely fortunate. This could be a reward of good deeds in their previous births. Today’s adult would not hesitate in asking, ‘Did I submit an application for begetting me?’
'Money makes mare go' is a crucial fact of family management. If there is an abundance of all kinds solutions to problems are easy. The currency can cover the whole globe in one step. Its impact is widespread and lasting. However, if there is some kind of financial crisis even wizards turn into idiots.
Our assets were our liabilities. This alone was life and the fountain of all our actions. In fact, I was fighting a battle with myself. What I was unable to achieve, those lines of disparity, I wanted to erase them from the hands of my children. We saw that they had potentials for achieving. Hence we kept encouraging them. You know, colors have to lose their self, in enlivening a painting.
A daughter's beauty and her father's bank balance determine her fate in the matrimonial market. If she is beautiful, implying fair complexioned, people take notice of such girls and seek her hands irrespective of dowry. But, all girls are not fair complexioned, a few are wheatish while others are dark. Offspring inherit complexion from their parents. Everybody wants a fair complexioned bride. There is an imbalance in demand and supply.
Deficiency of complexion is compensated by father's wealth. People are willing ‘to stoop’ under the presence of wealth thus average complexioned daughters are able to find grooms. The remaining ones have to find grooms who fall under ‘expiry date’ category. By this category we imply grooms who themselves have a pleasant appearance, have a good job, come from a family enjoying financial security, yet remained the bachelor because they kept ‘rejecting’ girls one after the other and index of their marriage fell to bottom than to zero. People of middle or low-income group marry their fair complexioned daughters’ to grooms having a dark complexion if they are affluent. They justify with the reason themselves, what if the groom is dark, but my daughter will be rich and lead a luxurious life. Probably, this could be the justification in any case otherwise, how could a bride of Madhuri's beauty have wedded me? Of course, these are not ‘absolute’ truths, there are exceptions too. However, this is the normal trend.
Madhuri and I often discussed how our daughters would be wedded. The expenditure on marriage in a normal family would imply expenditure to the tune of Rs.5 Lakhs and the figure would rise to Rs.10 Lakhs if the groom’s family enjoyed reputation and wealth. Madhuri believed that because of their education they would find jobs and this would make the task easy. Though marriage expenses were not ruled out.
She would ask me, "How will you manage in a situation like this?" I would keep quiet and divert to something else. She knew I was in trouble but didn't know the gravity of it, otherwise, she would. I had turned with a perfect brazen rogue. I used to enjoy sound sleep.
In Agrawals’, the family of the groom will do the homework on bride’s parent's financial condition by indulging in all kind of inquiries and spy. Only if they are convinced that their expectation would be fulfilled they will approach the bride’s parents. On the table of discussion they will initiate by negating anything as dowry and would say, “See, we don't want anything for ourselves." Once the matter gets settled they would insist, "You will have to do this much, don't give our relatives a chance to laugh at." After the marriage, there would be several occasions when the bloodsuckers would ruthlessly fleece the parents because the bride was in their custody. If the parents wanted their daughter to stay in their family they would have to appease them.
The humiliation of being a daughter’s parent is known only after her marriage. Only a few are good otherwise, it is normal to endure the pain from them.
We were never seeking invites for daughter’s marriage from our community only. We were open to considerations from other communities as well without any reservations. Our priority was an appropriate match, a proper groom worthy to our esteem. The children themselves had to decide what they thought good for themselves. We had even decided that our daughter-in-law would come only once to the joint family. By the time of her next arrival, separate arrangements for her stay would be made. She would not be yoked in the cart of the joint family and would be free to decide her future and develop her plans accordingly. This was our belief for maintaining a cordial relationship from the beginning of their married life.
One evening, I received a telephone at my lodge counter, "This is Dr. Kedarnath Agrawal, speaking from Indore."
"Yes, please, what can I do for you?"
"I want to marry your daughter Sangeeta."
"O.K. Do you know each other?"
"No."
"Does Sangeeta know you?"
"Probably no. You find out about me. My family is in Gotegaon near Jabalpur. I, herewith, inform you their whereabouts, addresses and telephone number. Please note my number as well and if you think worthwhile proceed in the matter." Dr.Kedarnath apprised me all the details and with mutual Namaskar, the conversation was concluded.
I conveyed the matter to Sangeeta on the phone and she got surprised. She hadn't heard about the person. I dictated her Dr.Kedarnath clinic address and suggested her to make her own inquiries. She sent two of her friends to locate the place and see the person. They returned after meeting him and confirmed that it was a ‘valid’ call. I asked Sangeeta to go and see to arrive at any conclusion.
"You are a limit, Papa. You want me to see him alone?
"You must first approve them, only then the matter can progress."
"O.K. But you are putting me to a lot of complex situation."
"After all, you have to face that situation, sooner or later."
Sangeeta accompanied by her cousin Mamta under whose guardianship she had been living in Indore, went to see him. After returning from there she sent me a mail, "I don't see any reason to reject him but the matter has to be finalized by you & Mummy."
We were happy with the proposed marriage, we were hesitant in taking the initiative because our financial crisis had further deepened. How would we manage, in case the matter gets settled was a problem that used to agitate the mind? But Madhuri said something significant, "Since they themselves are taking initiative we should not consider their proposal lightly and should honor their proposal. First, go to Indore, see them, discuss the matter, and find out facts about them, other things we shall see later on."
I went to Indore after a few days. Before meeting Dr.Kedarnath I deemed it proper to see Dr.Anup Vyas, his friend first. I said, "You are having a dual responsibility. Kedar is your friend while Sangeeta is your disciple."
"I had suggested Kedar about Sangeeta."
"Tell me about Kedarji."
"Extremely good. We lived together in the hostel for four years. I know everything about him."
"What do you know?"
"He is a very calculative person though not manipulative."
"And?"
"He is free from all kinds of addiction, neither wine nor cigarette."
"Is it true?"
"Were it so I would have known."
"Why doesn't he take? It is so common in medical colleges."
"What you say is true but Kedarnath strongly dislikes them. No one can even force him to try."
Having received favorable information from Dr.Anup Vyas, I reached Dr. Kedarnath's clinic. I spoke to him and urged him to wait for two years so that Sangeeta could do her Post Graduation (M.D.S.) and meanwhile we might arrange finances. He said, "It won't be possible to wait however you need not worry about marriage expenses. Everything will be without pomp and show. Whatever you do, how much you do, will be alright."
After meeting him I went to Gotegaon to visit Kedarnath’s family with a formal proposal. I handed over to them Sangeeta's horoscope and photograph. They said to inform us later after considering the matter. Within a week Sangeeta's maternal uncle Madan Gopalji received the horoscope and photograph with the comment that the horoscope didn't match. For us, the matter concluded and we preferred to remain calm. However, destiny has it's own way. No one can avoid what is destined. The events are free to happen. We should keep ourselves concerned only to face them!
After a few months, I dialed Dr.Kedarnath's number and enquired, "Now what do you think Doctor?"
"Grant me some time", he said.
Next day I received Dr.Kedar Nath's call who said, "I have spoken to my family, they have agreed. You go there and discuss the dates for marriage."
I reached Gotegaon without wasting time, discussed the matter and returned to Bilaspur extremely delighted, having enjoyed the meal served in silver wares. The matter was conveyed to all the brothers, sisters and relatives. The date proposed was 15th February 2002 which coincided with Sangeeta's dates for examination. We tried to postpone it until 8th May but according to Dr. Kedar Nath's horoscope no other date was found suitable within the year. Hence we had agreed to accept the date fixed earlier during the exams. Her in-laws assured that there would be only three days interruption and she would be allowed to proceed for exams soon after three days.
When Sangeeta was in the final year of B.D.S. we became worried about her marriage as she had crossed 25. When she was in Bilaspur during some vacation we discussed the matter with her and she readily agreed with a condition, ‘He must be without any addiction neither cigarette nor wine.’
Where on earth one could find such an innocent one in modern period! I, in a lighter view, coaxed her, "What is the use of such an education when a girl can't find herself a husband!”
"All my male colleagues are addicted to these, I know."
"Where on earth should we find a puritan?"
"That is none of my headaches, it's yours."
"Strange, we must educate you and also find a husband for you!" I said, she smiled in response.
It is a challenge to run a family. The man is not able to manage himself despite he is loaded with the responsibility of caring his family members too. The head person is required to take multiple roles to fulfill his responsibilities. The problem with family members while fulfilling his responsibilities is dualistic. If he praises someone the other rides on cloud nine whereas if he condemns, the others’ head boils out of anger.
There are several impediments in trying to reconcile different attitudes, views, and expectations. There are few who can say his / her point without any ambiguity while others fail to present their grievances. A few are outspoken while others timid and hesitant. This is what happens in the family network of communication. It is in each family.
We are three brothers. The age difference between each other is around ten years. Children of the same sire, born in the same womb, brought up in the similar atmosphere while we share a few traits in common we differ considerably in varied matters, especially 'mindsets'. Nature, very generously provides similar organs but makes them different by a change of faces, colors, physique and temperaments. Though alike they are never the same, each has a unique identity. Think for a while, had it not been so, what a chaos it would have made in the society?
Elders are able to control as long as fellow members oblige him. They are obeyed till the obeying person wants to win their goodwill. If one continues to obey parents even after having one's wishes fulfilled, such parents should consider themselves extremely fortunate. This could be a reward of good deeds in their previous births. Today’s adult would not hesitate in asking, ‘Did I submit an application for begetting me?’
'Money makes mare go' is a crucial fact of family management. If there is an abundance of all kinds solutions to problems are easy. The currency can cover the whole globe in one step. Its impact is widespread and lasting. However, if there is some kind of financial crisis even wizards turn into idiots.
Our assets were our liabilities. This alone was life and the fountain of all our actions. In fact, I was fighting a battle with myself. What I was unable to achieve, those lines of disparity, I wanted to erase them from the hands of my children. We saw that they had potentials for achieving. Hence we kept encouraging them. You know, colors have to lose their self, in enlivening a painting.
A daughter's beauty and her father's bank balance determine her fate in the matrimonial market. If she is beautiful, implying fair complexioned, people take notice of such girls and seek her hands irrespective of dowry. But, all girls are not fair complexioned, a few are wheatish while others are dark. Offspring inherit complexion from their parents. Everybody wants a fair complexioned bride. There is an imbalance in demand and supply.
Deficiency of complexion is compensated by father's wealth. People are willing ‘to stoop’ under the presence of wealth thus average complexioned daughters are able to find grooms. The remaining ones have to find grooms who fall under ‘expiry date’ category. By this category we imply grooms who themselves have a pleasant appearance, have a good job, come from a family enjoying financial security, yet remained the bachelor because they kept ‘rejecting’ girls one after the other and index of their marriage fell to bottom than to zero. People of middle or low-income group marry their fair complexioned daughters’ to grooms having a dark complexion if they are affluent. They justify with the reason themselves, what if the groom is dark, but my daughter will be rich and lead a luxurious life. Probably, this could be the justification in any case otherwise, how could a bride of Madhuri's beauty have wedded me? Of course, these are not ‘absolute’ truths, there are exceptions too. However, this is the normal trend.
Madhuri and I often discussed how our daughters would be wedded. The expenditure on marriage in a normal family would imply expenditure to the tune of Rs.5 Lakhs and the figure would rise to Rs.10 Lakhs if the groom’s family enjoyed reputation and wealth. Madhuri believed that because of their education they would find jobs and this would make the task easy. Though marriage expenses were not ruled out.
She would ask me, "How will you manage in a situation like this?" I would keep quiet and divert to something else. She knew I was in trouble but didn't know the gravity of it, otherwise, she would. I had turned with a perfect brazen rogue. I used to enjoy sound sleep.
In Agrawals’, the family of the groom will do the homework on bride’s parent's financial condition by indulging in all kind of inquiries and spy. Only if they are convinced that their expectation would be fulfilled they will approach the bride’s parents. On the table of discussion they will initiate by negating anything as dowry and would say, “See, we don't want anything for ourselves." Once the matter gets settled they would insist, "You will have to do this much, don't give our relatives a chance to laugh at." After the marriage, there would be several occasions when the bloodsuckers would ruthlessly fleece the parents because the bride was in their custody. If the parents wanted their daughter to stay in their family they would have to appease them.
The humiliation of being a daughter’s parent is known only after her marriage. Only a few are good otherwise, it is normal to endure the pain from them.
We were never seeking invites for daughter’s marriage from our community only. We were open to considerations from other communities as well without any reservations. Our priority was an appropriate match, a proper groom worthy to our esteem. The children themselves had to decide what they thought good for themselves. We had even decided that our daughter-in-law would come only once to the joint family. By the time of her next arrival, separate arrangements for her stay would be made. She would not be yoked in the cart of the joint family and would be free to decide her future and develop her plans accordingly. This was our belief for maintaining a cordial relationship from the beginning of their married life.
One evening, I received a telephone at my lodge counter, "This is Dr. Kedarnath Agrawal, speaking from Indore."
"Yes, please, what can I do for you?"
"I want to marry your daughter Sangeeta."
"O.K. Do you know each other?"
"No."
"Does Sangeeta know you?"
"Probably no. You find out about me. My family is in Gotegaon near Jabalpur. I, herewith, inform you their whereabouts, addresses and telephone number. Please note my number as well and if you think worthwhile proceed in the matter." Dr.Kedarnath apprised me all the details and with mutual Namaskar, the conversation was concluded.
I conveyed the matter to Sangeeta on the phone and she got surprised. She hadn't heard about the person. I dictated her Dr.Kedarnath clinic address and suggested her to make her own inquiries. She sent two of her friends to locate the place and see the person. They returned after meeting him and confirmed that it was a ‘valid’ call. I asked Sangeeta to go and see to arrive at any conclusion.
"You are a limit, Papa. You want me to see him alone?
"You must first approve them, only then the matter can progress."
"O.K. But you are putting me to a lot of complex situation."
"After all, you have to face that situation, sooner or later."
Sangeeta accompanied by her cousin Mamta under whose guardianship she had been living in Indore, went to see him. After returning from there she sent me a mail, "I don't see any reason to reject him but the matter has to be finalized by you & Mummy."
We were happy with the proposed marriage, we were hesitant in taking the initiative because our financial crisis had further deepened. How would we manage, in case the matter gets settled was a problem that used to agitate the mind? But Madhuri said something significant, "Since they themselves are taking initiative we should not consider their proposal lightly and should honor their proposal. First, go to Indore, see them, discuss the matter, and find out facts about them, other things we shall see later on."
I went to Indore after a few days. Before meeting Dr.Kedarnath I deemed it proper to see Dr.Anup Vyas, his friend first. I said, "You are having a dual responsibility. Kedar is your friend while Sangeeta is your disciple."
"I had suggested Kedar about Sangeeta."
"Tell me about Kedarji."
"Extremely good. We lived together in the hostel for four years. I know everything about him."
"What do you know?"
"He is a very calculative person though not manipulative."
"And?"
"He is free from all kinds of addiction, neither wine nor cigarette."
"Is it true?"
"Were it so I would have known."
"Why doesn't he take? It is so common in medical colleges."
"What you say is true but Kedarnath strongly dislikes them. No one can even force him to try."
Having received favorable information from Dr.Anup Vyas, I reached Dr. Kedarnath's clinic. I spoke to him and urged him to wait for two years so that Sangeeta could do her Post Graduation (M.D.S.) and meanwhile we might arrange finances. He said, "It won't be possible to wait however you need not worry about marriage expenses. Everything will be without pomp and show. Whatever you do, how much you do, will be alright."
After meeting him I went to Gotegaon to visit Kedarnath’s family with a formal proposal. I handed over to them Sangeeta's horoscope and photograph. They said to inform us later after considering the matter. Within a week Sangeeta's maternal uncle Madan Gopalji received the horoscope and photograph with the comment that the horoscope didn't match. For us, the matter concluded and we preferred to remain calm. However, destiny has it's own way. No one can avoid what is destined. The events are free to happen. We should keep ourselves concerned only to face them!
After a few months, I dialed Dr.Kedarnath's number and enquired, "Now what do you think Doctor?"
"Grant me some time", he said.
Next day I received Dr.Kedar Nath's call who said, "I have spoken to my family, they have agreed. You go there and discuss the dates for marriage."
I reached Gotegaon without wasting time, discussed the matter and returned to Bilaspur extremely delighted, having enjoyed the meal served in silver wares. The matter was conveyed to all the brothers, sisters and relatives. The date proposed was 15th February 2002 which coincided with Sangeeta's dates for examination. We tried to postpone it until 8th May but according to Dr. Kedar Nath's horoscope no other date was found suitable within the year. Hence we had agreed to accept the date fixed earlier during the exams. Her in-laws assured that there would be only three days interruption and she would be allowed to proceed for exams soon after three days.
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