Kuntal was to return from Tiruchirappalli after completion of his studies. He informed me that he would be at Coimbatore from where we would proceed to Trichy and after collecting luggage from there we would return to Bilaspur. I reached Coimbatore on the scheduled date. From there we reached an ashram 35 km away in the mountain range of Veliangiri. Amidst an extremely pleasant surroundings is situated ‘Dhyan Linga’ temple where serenity was enchanting. By road transport, we left for Trichy. During the bus travel Kuntal apprised me, "Papa, I don't want to take a job."
"Yes?"
"I have thought something different."
"What?"
"I have observed that people are extremely sad suffering from all kinds of troubles. They are not leading life as they would like to live."
"That's true. I too find so."
"I want to do something in this direction. I have found a Guru, Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev. I wish to work with him."
"What kind of work?"
"To link people with Yoga-sadhana, I pondered long and tried to understand matter from different perspectives. I came to the conclusion that merely to survive for one's sake is meaningless. I must undertake a mass movement to enlighten people. They can keep their heart and body fit by adopting Yoga in their lives. Sadhguru is a wonderful person I wanted to work with him for such movement." Kuntal declared his intention.
I kept quiet as if I have been shrouded by an unknown silence. Our bus was speeding fast while the palm and coconut trees by the roadside were running in opposite direction.
Enjoying the breeze I slipped into slumber. I have realized that whenever my mind feels shocked sleeps come to my rescue. After reaching Trichurapalli we stayed at a hotel. My mind had stopped functioning properly. I was not able to decide how to communicate Kuntal's decision to his mother. How to apprise Sangeeta and Sangya? I didn't have the strength to sustain the shock alone hence I decided to inform Sangeeta about it. At that time she used to reside at Indore. I told her over the telephone which made her extremely surprised. She said, "Let Kammu come home, we will discuss the matter then."
After reaching the hostel we packed all the luggage and we went to see the head of the department of Electrical and Electronics. He met us, with a warm smile and said, "Mr.Agrawal, you shall be proud of your son. He is a magnificent and decent boy." Having thanked him we bid goodbye to Trichy REC and left for Bilaspur.
The one and half day long journey from Tiruchirappalli to Bilaspur passed in silence. Sometime Kuntal would cast a glance towards me to assess what I felt, so did I by looking towards him. A swarm of images from the past began rushing into my mind, the healthy infant, Kammu with two braids, the darling of the whole family, has become, too suddenly, a well-grown person, so great that he become inaccessible to assess.
Kuntal spent nineteen days at home with us. He spoke with everyone, with an open mind. Everybody listened to him with patience. Even strong and bitter statements were taken with ease and calm of mind by him. In a very low voice, he tried to explain his ideas which none could comprehend. In fact, his concepts were too complex, entirely different from the prevailing system, hence remained unacceptable. He too, quite often, failed to give a convincing reply to our queries. In such situation, he would swallow his own spittle and keep quite. It is difficult to say whether we were unable to explain our points of we failed to comprehend what he said. Yet, we were certain that sooner or later he would grasp our ideas and reconsider his decision. There were several rounds of discussions. His mother spent whole nights arguing with him but these made him more and more adamant, we became, gradually feebler.
Now, Madhuri and I began making our minds. However, a worldly person remains tied either to the past or to future. The present seems to be out of his thinking. This breed all kinds of apprehensions - what went wrong with him? Has he been hypnotized? Is he mentally derailed? Is he unwell? Was sending him to Trichi a wrong decision on our part? What prompted him to visit the Coimbatore Ashram? We didn't ever hear his guru's name? Isn't he in the trap of a pretender? What will be his future? Why is he so indifferent to family responsibilities? Such similar questions would agitate us without find an answer. In fact, our minds ceased to operate.
Kuntal went to see his sister Sangeeta. He was accompanied by his sister Sangya. He had elaborate discussions with both the sisters and our son-in-law Kedar Nath. Sangeeta spoke to me on the phone, "Kuntal has decided and determined. It is impossible to dissuade him. In my opinion, it would be unwise to dissuade. Let him go."
Sangeeta's conclusion reminded me of a fable, Bhagavan Mahavir was also a prince who used to keep quiet even during adolescent. He remained indifferent to affairs of the state nor would any pleasure attract him. His behavior made his parents worried because Mahavir was their eldest son and was to assume power after them. All of sudden his father passed away and mother urged him to hold the reins of administration. He said, "I am not interested in the affairs of state. Make my younger brother the ruler and permit me to proceed to the forest for penance." She made the younger son the ruler of state but didn't permit Mahavir to proceed to the forest. Mahavir kept quiet and abide by her decision. He confined himself to his chamber began living as a lonely person. Several years passed, Mahavir remained unchanged. When his mother realized that his behavior remained unaltered she said, "We feel that we have unnecessarily detained you here. You can proceed."
"Mother, I have left since long," Mahavir replied.
Kuntal returned to Indore. Our curiosity was just to find out how strong his determination of renouncing the world. Maybe, he himself began a little wavering. He sent an email to his mentor Sadhguru conveying his feelings and sought his guidance. In reply, the Sadhguru asked him to join Ashram. Kuntal abode by his Guru's counsel did not pay any head to ours. Thus his decision became confirmed. We were left with no other alternative but to permit him. Kuntal said, "Persons treading this path leave home in secrecy without disclosing their intentions to members of the family because they know that family members would never agree. I didn't follow them. I trusted you and believed that you would understand me and gladly allow me to go ahead." We became convinced that he had found a seer, renunciation had strongly claimed him and he was above worldly concerns.
19th June 2004 evening, we installed him on a pedestal, put Tilak mark on his forehead, offered coconut, flowers, some money and let him go with due honor. At Bilaspur railway station, at the time of farewell, I said, "It was our belief that anything done with the heart produce good results. Do whatever you want to do with your entire energy and power. We are with you. Whenever you need us, just call us."
How to describe in words the loneliness our family got engulfed in after Kuntal's departure? His mother got shattered. She used to remain silent all the while, keeping herself awake all the night sobbing. How could I realize her restlessness? I had not kept in my womb nor did I breastfed him I had not nursed the hope of ‘would be daughter-in-law’ walking with anklets. Neither had I dreamed of a long line of grandchildren nor even imagined the pleasure!
Madhuri used to remain annoyed with me. For quite some time she kept complaining that why didn't I took her into confidence before allowing Kuntal to leave. Why did I alone take the crucial decision? She was in belief, had we persuaded him long and delayed his departure he would have stayed. During his nineteen days stay at home, the conversation that we had had, the expressions and gestures we watched made me feel that it was to be wiser on our part allowing him to leave. A further delay would be an injustice to him because his prolonged stay would have caused much mental strain and agony. Though I was not happy with his decision and was extremely annoyed but I knew that ultimately I had to approve his decision. Hence I made an early farewell plan and bid him adieu in a formal manner.
Such desertion on Kammu's part made everyone in family unhappy. He had opted for a new path which was quite strange and we were not sure that he would be able to tread the rigorous routine of an Ashram. Should he feel disillusioned and return it would be a catastrophe because in such situation he would belong neither to this world nor to the hermitage. All the while I would try to find means to call him back in the family.
During a journey, I felt that the Sadhguru had abducted my son. At that time I had turned so wild that I wanted to kill the Sadhguru. Imagine a timid and nervous person of my nature daring to kill a person. Just imagine how excited I had been! During those moments of emotional frenzy, my mind ‘sinned.’ I would call it a sin because Mahavir observed, ‘If even an idea of violence enters your mind, believe that the violence has been committed.’ Though my excitement was momentary, it soon subsided. When I disclosed it to Madhuri she too became stunned. She tried to pacify him in her own way.
To be honest, mine was a miserable plight. The trouble with the males is that we cannot weep even when extremely necessary. In privacy, one could have his eyes welled up but in public, we are expected to show a brave face, a controlled behavior. How to console Kuntal's mother if I began weeping?
I made myself strong willed, yet began remaining melancholy. I could very well assess my predicaments, I had not only to maintain the family during the crisis and must live to fight the disease, stretching the period as long as could. In order to make myself strong, I began summoning my inherent power. Though my heart was strong enough to sustain the shock but as a 57-year-old cancer patient, my energy was in short supply. Hence I began to visit the gym every morning thus bringing down my weight from 99 kgs to 90. Reduction of obesity and the company of youth exercising close by gave me psychological benefit, while some young men used to feel surprised others would laugh at my zest.
"Yes?"
"I have thought something different."
"What?"
"I have observed that people are extremely sad suffering from all kinds of troubles. They are not leading life as they would like to live."
"That's true. I too find so."
"I want to do something in this direction. I have found a Guru, Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev. I wish to work with him."
"What kind of work?"
"To link people with Yoga-sadhana, I pondered long and tried to understand matter from different perspectives. I came to the conclusion that merely to survive for one's sake is meaningless. I must undertake a mass movement to enlighten people. They can keep their heart and body fit by adopting Yoga in their lives. Sadhguru is a wonderful person I wanted to work with him for such movement." Kuntal declared his intention.
I kept quiet as if I have been shrouded by an unknown silence. Our bus was speeding fast while the palm and coconut trees by the roadside were running in opposite direction.
Enjoying the breeze I slipped into slumber. I have realized that whenever my mind feels shocked sleeps come to my rescue. After reaching Trichurapalli we stayed at a hotel. My mind had stopped functioning properly. I was not able to decide how to communicate Kuntal's decision to his mother. How to apprise Sangeeta and Sangya? I didn't have the strength to sustain the shock alone hence I decided to inform Sangeeta about it. At that time she used to reside at Indore. I told her over the telephone which made her extremely surprised. She said, "Let Kammu come home, we will discuss the matter then."
After reaching the hostel we packed all the luggage and we went to see the head of the department of Electrical and Electronics. He met us, with a warm smile and said, "Mr.Agrawal, you shall be proud of your son. He is a magnificent and decent boy." Having thanked him we bid goodbye to Trichy REC and left for Bilaspur.
The one and half day long journey from Tiruchirappalli to Bilaspur passed in silence. Sometime Kuntal would cast a glance towards me to assess what I felt, so did I by looking towards him. A swarm of images from the past began rushing into my mind, the healthy infant, Kammu with two braids, the darling of the whole family, has become, too suddenly, a well-grown person, so great that he become inaccessible to assess.
Kuntal spent nineteen days at home with us. He spoke with everyone, with an open mind. Everybody listened to him with patience. Even strong and bitter statements were taken with ease and calm of mind by him. In a very low voice, he tried to explain his ideas which none could comprehend. In fact, his concepts were too complex, entirely different from the prevailing system, hence remained unacceptable. He too, quite often, failed to give a convincing reply to our queries. In such situation, he would swallow his own spittle and keep quite. It is difficult to say whether we were unable to explain our points of we failed to comprehend what he said. Yet, we were certain that sooner or later he would grasp our ideas and reconsider his decision. There were several rounds of discussions. His mother spent whole nights arguing with him but these made him more and more adamant, we became, gradually feebler.
Now, Madhuri and I began making our minds. However, a worldly person remains tied either to the past or to future. The present seems to be out of his thinking. This breed all kinds of apprehensions - what went wrong with him? Has he been hypnotized? Is he mentally derailed? Is he unwell? Was sending him to Trichi a wrong decision on our part? What prompted him to visit the Coimbatore Ashram? We didn't ever hear his guru's name? Isn't he in the trap of a pretender? What will be his future? Why is he so indifferent to family responsibilities? Such similar questions would agitate us without find an answer. In fact, our minds ceased to operate.
Kuntal went to see his sister Sangeeta. He was accompanied by his sister Sangya. He had elaborate discussions with both the sisters and our son-in-law Kedar Nath. Sangeeta spoke to me on the phone, "Kuntal has decided and determined. It is impossible to dissuade him. In my opinion, it would be unwise to dissuade. Let him go."
Sangeeta's conclusion reminded me of a fable, Bhagavan Mahavir was also a prince who used to keep quiet even during adolescent. He remained indifferent to affairs of the state nor would any pleasure attract him. His behavior made his parents worried because Mahavir was their eldest son and was to assume power after them. All of sudden his father passed away and mother urged him to hold the reins of administration. He said, "I am not interested in the affairs of state. Make my younger brother the ruler and permit me to proceed to the forest for penance." She made the younger son the ruler of state but didn't permit Mahavir to proceed to the forest. Mahavir kept quiet and abide by her decision. He confined himself to his chamber began living as a lonely person. Several years passed, Mahavir remained unchanged. When his mother realized that his behavior remained unaltered she said, "We feel that we have unnecessarily detained you here. You can proceed."
"Mother, I have left since long," Mahavir replied.
Kuntal returned to Indore. Our curiosity was just to find out how strong his determination of renouncing the world. Maybe, he himself began a little wavering. He sent an email to his mentor Sadhguru conveying his feelings and sought his guidance. In reply, the Sadhguru asked him to join Ashram. Kuntal abode by his Guru's counsel did not pay any head to ours. Thus his decision became confirmed. We were left with no other alternative but to permit him. Kuntal said, "Persons treading this path leave home in secrecy without disclosing their intentions to members of the family because they know that family members would never agree. I didn't follow them. I trusted you and believed that you would understand me and gladly allow me to go ahead." We became convinced that he had found a seer, renunciation had strongly claimed him and he was above worldly concerns.
19th June 2004 evening, we installed him on a pedestal, put Tilak mark on his forehead, offered coconut, flowers, some money and let him go with due honor. At Bilaspur railway station, at the time of farewell, I said, "It was our belief that anything done with the heart produce good results. Do whatever you want to do with your entire energy and power. We are with you. Whenever you need us, just call us."
How to describe in words the loneliness our family got engulfed in after Kuntal's departure? His mother got shattered. She used to remain silent all the while, keeping herself awake all the night sobbing. How could I realize her restlessness? I had not kept in my womb nor did I breastfed him I had not nursed the hope of ‘would be daughter-in-law’ walking with anklets. Neither had I dreamed of a long line of grandchildren nor even imagined the pleasure!
Madhuri used to remain annoyed with me. For quite some time she kept complaining that why didn't I took her into confidence before allowing Kuntal to leave. Why did I alone take the crucial decision? She was in belief, had we persuaded him long and delayed his departure he would have stayed. During his nineteen days stay at home, the conversation that we had had, the expressions and gestures we watched made me feel that it was to be wiser on our part allowing him to leave. A further delay would be an injustice to him because his prolonged stay would have caused much mental strain and agony. Though I was not happy with his decision and was extremely annoyed but I knew that ultimately I had to approve his decision. Hence I made an early farewell plan and bid him adieu in a formal manner.
Such desertion on Kammu's part made everyone in family unhappy. He had opted for a new path which was quite strange and we were not sure that he would be able to tread the rigorous routine of an Ashram. Should he feel disillusioned and return it would be a catastrophe because in such situation he would belong neither to this world nor to the hermitage. All the while I would try to find means to call him back in the family.
During a journey, I felt that the Sadhguru had abducted my son. At that time I had turned so wild that I wanted to kill the Sadhguru. Imagine a timid and nervous person of my nature daring to kill a person. Just imagine how excited I had been! During those moments of emotional frenzy, my mind ‘sinned.’ I would call it a sin because Mahavir observed, ‘If even an idea of violence enters your mind, believe that the violence has been committed.’ Though my excitement was momentary, it soon subsided. When I disclosed it to Madhuri she too became stunned. She tried to pacify him in her own way.
To be honest, mine was a miserable plight. The trouble with the males is that we cannot weep even when extremely necessary. In privacy, one could have his eyes welled up but in public, we are expected to show a brave face, a controlled behavior. How to console Kuntal's mother if I began weeping?
I made myself strong willed, yet began remaining melancholy. I could very well assess my predicaments, I had not only to maintain the family during the crisis and must live to fight the disease, stretching the period as long as could. In order to make myself strong, I began summoning my inherent power. Though my heart was strong enough to sustain the shock but as a 57-year-old cancer patient, my energy was in short supply. Hence I began to visit the gym every morning thus bringing down my weight from 99 kgs to 90. Reduction of obesity and the company of youth exercising close by gave me psychological benefit, while some young men used to feel surprised others would laugh at my zest.
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